Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Beta Tomorrow!

My beta is here folks. I made it. It's tomorrow morning. But...I know it didn't work. I have lost ALL pregnancy feeling symptoms and I am starting to make up ones every time I get a twinge or a smell of something. LOSER!

This is exactly what happened after my last IUI. My HCG shot symptoms went away several days before my test and it was negative. I searched and googled everything about "diminishing symptoms" during the 2ww. But, deep down, I knew. And so, I know now. I have just spent $8000+ with nothing to show for it. No baby, no BFP, no embryos in the freezer either. The money is gone. We don't have IVF insurance coverage, so it's all out of pocket.

Deep down, I knew this cycle was doomed. My uterus/lining issues and then the blow at transfer that the blasts were blah. They tried to "pep talk" me right before transfer saying it was great that I even made it to a Day 5 transfer... Blah, blah, blah.

I cried before , after and the next day following my transfer. Will that help me with the blow tomorrow? I suspect not. When do you give up? I want to give up. Every married friend I have has children, if not 2 or 3. I spend my weekends on the couch watching bad TV and they spend their weekends with their children at birthday parties and things with their kids.

Before I go to bed tonight, I will say my prayers. Just as I always do. But I might pray that God doesn't let me go to that dark place in my head where I feel completely hopeless, lost and like a big fat failure. Again. IVF #2. Check. Done.

Dallas Girl


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