Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Sunday, February 21, 2010


Hello ICLWers!

I am a 31 year old Dallas girl and have been married for 5 years this past October. We've been trying for baby #1 for 2+ years now.

We've tried 3 rounds of Clomid, IVF, IUI and now we're about to start IVF #2. I have all the problems - endo, fibroids, scarring/adhesions, ovulatory problems and now...very low ovarian reserve for a 31 year old.

It's been a rough road, but I pray that our journey will eventually lead to mommyhood!

I am new to ICLW, but I am excited to be a part of such a wonderful, supportive group.

Sunday randomness

It's Sunday and so BLAH here! This Dallas weather sucks lately! I am catching up on my reality shows. Here are a few that I love. Please don't judge :) And yes, I have a problem! Ha!

Saturday, February 20, 2010

I got my wig busted!

I finally got my hair highlighted and cut! Yea! I feel like a new person. The last time I had this done was right before my busted IVF cycle. I hope this isn't a bad sign...getting it done right before another cycle?!? Yikes!

I am so ready for March to get here. Let's get the show on the road! I know my egg quality will be piss poor. I was never thinking about having kids in high school and college when I was socially smoking. Or when I took Accutane for my skin. There is nothing I can do now, but I know that the quality will be bad.

Getting nervous too about my protocol. I am doing the same protocol as last time, except this time I have been taking two months of estrogen. The RE is hoping this jump starts my ovaries. Of course, he will also give me higher doses of meds too.

I think the hubby and I are going to eat crab legs. And I am going to have a glass of wine. Again, I am not pregnant, so screw it! Gotta live life sometimes!

Hope everyone is having a good weekend!

Dallas Girl

Friday, February 19, 2010

I feel like I'm lying...

I finally ate the frog (it's a book, but don't bother reading it if you've ever read, Who Moved My Cheese - ha!) and emailed by boss this morning. You see, I am supposed to travel for work and you can't do that during an IVF cycle. I just couldn't bring myself to tell him:
a) in person or
b) that I was doing IVF, which is the reason for no travel.

So, I kinda ate that frog! I think I was some what honest in my email... I said that I needed to have a small procedure (egg retrieval and transfer) and treatment (meds) for which I will have to be closely monitored for a few weeks in March. So I won't be able to fly. I guess if he asks, I'll say it's a female thing. My VP of Marketing knows that I have had several procedures for scarring and endo, so she'll probably confirm it if he asks.

I just hope that I am not ruining my chances for success by not giving up the entire truth. I don't want to jinx myself!! I don't need any bad luck or karma right now. I know that sounds crazy, but I want this to work! Please God. Let this turn out with a baby at the end. I am running out of sanity, tears and money. Not to mention I have the ovaries of a 45 year old woman and I am 31! I am running out of time here!

It's another rainy, yucky day in Dallas. I feel like I moved to Seattle. Which reminds me....I must watch Grey's Anatomy from last night. I keep watching the damn show, even though it's not that great anymore.

Happy Weekend Friends!

Dallas Girl

Wednesday, February 17, 2010


Today was a bittersweet day. My friend from work had her baby this morning - a little girl. I knew it! She thought it was a boy this whole time, but I had a gut feeling that it was going to be a girl.

I also found out that a fellow endo co-worker (who was starting the process to adopt) is pregnant with twins. Naturally. I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to insult her, but I was like.... "really?!?" And she is having a boy and a girl! So lucky!

I was hoping that would be me in a few months, but now I feel like it won't be since it's so unlikely that two people at such a small office will be preggers with twins. Isn't that crazy? I secretly had this crazy hope that I would end up pregnant with twins and that we would find out it was a boy and a girl. Pretty stupid, huh? I guess that is why it's called a "dream." I am so fearful of this upcoming IVF. I fear that I won't respond to the medication or that I will only have a few eggs, but of poor quality. I worry that they will transfer three ( if I even get that many) but none will take. Or they will take and I will miscarry. So many fears, so much time to worry...

Sorry to ramble. While I am happy for all my pregnant/new moms friends out there, it really escalates my fears. Off to bed to forget about this bittersweet day.

Dallas Girl

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Happy Heart Day

Happy Valentine's Day to all my friends! I am sucker for any holiday with red and pink! Yesterday my wonderful hubby got me a 90 minute massage. Yea, you read this correctly. 90 whole minutes. It was so great!! After the massage, I quickly showered and we went to dinner. I even had a couple of glasses of red wine. Yes, I did. I deserve it. I am not pregnant and I shouldn't have to suffer all the time, right?

Today we are going to see the movie, Valentine's Day. I am sure it won't be that great (the critics are raking it across the coals) and I know Julie Roberts is only in it for 6 minutes, but we are still going... We'll probably grab lunch too and maybe a little shopping?

Only 12 more days left on my estrogen/progesterone therapy. And then, hopefully, I'll get to start IVF on March 6th. I am praying that my next sonogram shows no problems. Come on uterus! I am so excited that I might just buy myself a little something today. Here's to wishing for a happy heart in 2010!

Dallas Girl

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Too Good to be True??

I actually received some good news today when I went to the doctor! How often does that happen in my world?!? Haha. I had an ultrasound today to determine how my lining/uterus is doing on my hormone replacement therapy. This protocol is being used because I have Asherman's Syndrome and had scar tissue removed on December 30th. After surgery, I started taking estrogen and progesterone to encourage healing and growth of the lining. Who knew your body needed estrogen to heal?

Well, the nurse AND THE DOCTOR were very happy with my lining and how everything looked. Thank you God! I have been praying and praying. It's the best news I have heard since April 2009 really. I am not out of the woods yet... still have to wait until I start my period at the end of the month, so that I can have a saline sonogram. This will be the true test! I am hoping that all works out, so I can start IVF stims on March 6th. I am trying to not get too excited about everything as my ovarian reserve is TERRIBLE, but the doctor really made me feel better today. I finally feel hopeful that I have a chance at pregnancy. That makes me happy.

It's snowing in Dallas. Like, really snowing! It's been coming down all day. I'm not a huge fan of snow, but it's been really pretty. The hubby and I are going to make a little breakfast food for dinner and watch some Grey's Anatomy (even though the show has gotten super depressing lately).

Thank, thank you for all the prayers!

Dallas Girl

Monday, February 8, 2010


I f''ing hate Facebook sometimes. Why do I check it everyday? Just to get more announcements from newly pregnant friends?


In the midst of IF, I am thankful for so many things in my life. Today, my co-worker/close friend told me about her step-father's progress from back surgery and a stroke. Her Mom is the constant caregiver and never sleeps. It's tough on her and this is her life now. She thought she was getting a second chance at love, but giving 24 hour care is her reality.

So, today I take note of things I am thankful for in my life. My health, my husband, great family, my home and food on the table. We both have jobs and great friends. I believe in God and I am thankful that he brought my husband and I together. So, today I remember that there ARE people out there that have it much, much worse than I... and for those, I pray.

On a lighter note, it's time to watch the Bachelor. He's super cheesy, but whatever... He's a Dallas boy, but a little girly sometimes. Happy Bachelor. It's the little things to get you through the day.

Dallas Girl

Sunday, February 7, 2010


I am just plain lazy this weekend. Actually, I think I am really depressed. I can't get past the worrying about "what if it never happens?!" I just can't. So, here I sit, all weekend watching Jersey Shore and all sorts of bad reality TV.

There are so many things to do around this house, but I just have no energy. No desire to do anything productive. Ugh. I feel so lazy, but I just don't care. How do you get past this? How do you truly believe that God has a plan for you? Those are my unanswered questions.

I have a Super Bowl party to go to today. I am trying to be excited about it, but it's combined with a 1 year old's birthday party. Everyone with their kids. Great! Just what I need! Hahaha. I can't even drink. It's not that I have to drink to have a good time, but I am not pregnant! I repeat! I should get to have a beer or at least one cocktail. I think acupuncture is causing me more harm than good. They basically tell me you can't do anything fun because your are "trying." I am so freaking over it.

Hope you are being lazy this weekend too. We all deserve a dose of it for the crap we go through!

Dallas Girl

Thursday, February 4, 2010

US Weekly

On Thursday's, I look forward to coming home to a fresh US Weekly in the mailbox. I love to curl up on the couch for some Thursday night TV while I ready my gossip mag. For those of you who don't know me... I love the celebrity gossip. LOVE. I am a junkie. Well, you can see where I am going with this. The mail was already on the counter (my hubby works from home) when I got home and NO magazine! It just sums up the week. Crap!

On another note, my only non-pregnant BFF (ha!) is going for a big interview tomorrow. I hope she gets it! She is so excited to get back into her career field again and I am praying this works out. She has been so different lately, like my old friend before she had her daughter. Not that her daughter doesn't light up her life, but it's great to see her old passions come back :)

I spent the afternoon surfing fertility forums. I am so discouraged! I wish a sign would happen. I wish God would send me a note that told me exactly what to do... I wish my US Weekly had made it home to take my mind off the future :)


Dallas Girl

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Hump Day

Well, it's Wednesday and we all know what that means! A little closer to the weekend. Thank goodness. This week has been so busy, I can barely keep up. I am getting nervous about my doctor appointment next week. It's a week away and I am praying that the doctor won't make me wait too much longer for IVF. My test results for ovarian reserve were awful. Well, worse than awful. So I don't want to waste any more time! I just turned 31, but my ovaries are more like 41. Ugh!

I am trying to stay positive and form my questions on a paper. I also made an appointment with another doctor as well. I think I need that second opinion that everyone talks about. I know my breaking point though. I will not do donor eggs. I am glad it's there for those who want/need this option. But, it's not for me. I don't want to hear that speech from my doctor, but I am scared that it might happen...

For those of you reading, low ovarian reserve at 30 (right before my birthday) was not what I wanted to hear. I have read every website, blog, forum that you can imagine. All with mixed emotions and a lot fear. Fear of failure. Fear of never ever having children. Fear of more heartache. More tears.

Oh, how I wish I had as much money as I do fear. I'm not sure I would be rich, but I would sure enjoy a nice vacation! Or two. Maybe even buy a pool for those hot Dallas days.

Dallas Girl

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Plan B

I am watching one of my fave Bravo TV shows and a commercial comes on for Plan B. The pill that you can take if you forget to use protection the night before. Geeeeez! All I want to do is watch Millionaire Matchmaker. The last thing I need today is a commercial about PREVENTING getting knocked up. If only it were that easy.

"Not Even Trying"

Isn't it hard to hear the words "I wasn't even trying and it just happened?" It seems to be the preferred response for Dallas girls. We'll be out to dinner, hashing out the latest gossip...when someone drops the "I'm pregnant" bomb. Which is usually followed by "it just happened and we weren't even trying!" I mean, really? How many women just say that, but secretly have been peeing on pregnancy tests? Grrr....

I'm not trying to be all negative here, but seriously. Is everyone pregnant? My entire support group is pregnant. Everyone! Not kidding! Everyone is drinking from the fertility fountain. I just found out another friend I have been supporting over the last year with her infertility journey is...you guessed it! Pregnant! Ugh. I am trying to be all happy and supportive. But inside I am dying. I am so crushed and I feel so alone. I thought I would be leaving 2009 behind me, but it seems to just keep following me. Please stop 2009. It's a new year and it's supposed to be filled with hope not sorrow.

Dallas Girl

A pic from our best vacation ever. I wish I were there now.